Straw Dogs

So Dullard Willard Mitt Romney managed to buy hisself a hollow triumph in the vaunted heartland. I think I speak for most of the people who couldn't make the pilgrimage when I say, in all earnestness, "Whoopdee-freakin-doo".

Really, without Mrs. Doubtfire Giuliani and Saint McCain as competition, with all the money he spent, Romney should have clobbered the remaining dwarves. Instead, he inadvertently dangles the illusion of electability in front of Mike Huckabee. Aside from Romney and Huckabee, the only one who came out okay on this was -- wait for it -- ol' Lonesome Rhodes himself, Fred Thompson, who is wisely keeping his powder dry for the big September publicity blitz. Hijinks are practically guaranteed to ensue.

Speaking of McCain, who turns 70 in a couple weeks, after his dismal showing, maybe it's time he gave himself an early birthday present and just walked away from this mess, while he still has some shreds of dignity intact. It's getting a little embarrassing, and it's just not going to happen. Most of us are never going to be President, Senator. Life goes on. Bob Dole thought it was his turn, too. How'd that work out? It's better to make the decision before it gets made for you, even though in all practicality, it's a done deal. 2000 was McCain's window; it's long closed. He wouldn't have placed much better if he had shown up at the straw poll, which is why he didn't go. But his veneer of plausibility is much thinner than Giuliani's.

Not that Giuliani doesn't have his own growing set of problems. His sordid personal life and the backstory of the current future ex-Mrs. Doubtfire are fodder for an infamous Vanity Fair piece, and now the Village Voice has taken a serious poke at the 9/11 legend Rudy has wrapped himself in, perhaps a bit too snugly. He should have been able to beat clowns like Brownback, Tancredo, and Paul without even showing up; that he couldn't do so shows that the honeymoon is over, that his Springer-esque personal life doesn't float too well in Des Moines. Jesus Christ, his own kids can't stand him, why would anybody else?

I am a bit surprised at the traction that Ron Paul, who is a certifiable quack of a politician, has maintained. I figured that the more he talked, once you get past his quirky affability (or is it his affable quirkiness? I get them confused), it would become clear that aside from profound foreign policy disagreements with Bush (because Paul, a libertarian, is an isolationist), he has little to offer even self-proclaimed independents, much less the antiwar crowd. You want a gutted, privatized armed forces and a "walk it off" health-care system, Paul's your guy. Otherwise, he's mainly differentiated himself by being the only one with balls enough to openly disagree with Dear Leader.

Which brings me to the money line of the entire article, courtesy of Romney:

"Today, the people of this great state sent a message to America, and that is that change begins in Iowa," Romney told an exultant crowd of about 200 supporters after the results were announced. "We've got a long way to go."

Seriously, what exactly has Romney talked about "changing"? He's pro-war, he's pro-life, he's pro-bidness. He's not going to change a damned thing, and he's said as much. Nothing that crawls out of his piehole has any meaning past the exact moment it is uttered, and only for that micro-sliver of time.

Which means that, since he's got the bankroll to keep going and the telegenic visage to make the retards in the media swoon, he's the odds-on favorite for the nomination. He's the perfect candidate for a hollowed-out, desiccated party that's living on the ropes (not that the Democrats have shown the guts or sense to simply knock them into the canvas already). Look for plenty of helpful articles over the next few months, explaining how the scam of Mormonism is no worse than the scam of Catholicism or any other -ism (and really, when you get down to it, it's not any worse, though its history is sadly even more Barnum-esque than that of most religions).

Still, this is just a sad, embarrassing story, involving a bunch of sad, embarrassing people, not the least of whom are the sort of simpletons who actually want to vote for people like Tom Tancredo. Why not just fill up a gunny sack with barn straw and manure and hang a "Anybody But Hitlery" sign around its neck?