Saturday, July 23, 2016

Go Duck Yourself

As I've said before, I watched Dork Dynasty once, just to see what the fuss was all about, and literally felt stupider by the end of the episode. I have no idea if the show is still airing -- and if it is, what sort of galoot is still watching it, and why. Whatever the case, Phil and Willie Robertson have parlayed their pop-culture notoriety into their avocation of injecting their regressive views into the political and religious arenas.

During the RNC last week, Willie Robertson found himself in the human centipede of D-listers, explaining as only a cosplay hillbilly millionaire could about how the "elites" don't know how to talk to "real people". That latter is one of the most tedious conceits imaginable -- that simply being working-class makes one more "real" or "legitimate". In many cases it does, but not always, and there is no shortage of supposedly regular people who are completely preposterous examples of humanity.

Willie Robertson and his family have made enormous sums of money exploiting the class anxieties of dopes and peons whose only respite is to convince themselves that smart people really aren't any smarter than anyone else, that study and expertise and analysis mean nothing, that Jebus is watching, even if he hasn't made them happy and wealthy and successful yet.

Now that Drumpf's debutante ball is mercifully over, and we can all go back to the flaming hellscape that the Kenyan Moooslim has wrought on Gawwwd's Favrit Nashun, self-styled "patriarch" (subtle biblical callback there, gramps) Phil Robertson has tightened his headband, adjusted his cataract glasses, and intoned thusly:
“If the Republicans and the evangelicals do not get off their posteriors and vote, I think I’m going to head back to the woods and hide out.”


According to “Duck Commander” the spirit is in some people but the “evil one” is in “the larger group,” and we have “spiritual warfare taking place.” There are the “children of God” and the rest of us are under the control of the evil one: “the depraved bunch, this political correct crowd.”
Again, I don't think that phrase means what these losers think it means. The various totems of "traditionalists" are, by definition, politically correct. Talking incessantly about Gawd and the Bible is politically correct; getting pissy because black people are tired of getting killed by cops on fairly mundane calls is politically correct; insisting that 'murka is a Christian nation and that prayer should be in schools, Ten Commandments should be posted everywhere, yada yada, is politically correct.

Connoting political correctness of any stripe with "evil," by the way is just stupid. I disagree with most "politically correct" speech on either side, but none of it is evil. It's just annoying. This is what's so frustrating and perplexing about these yahoos. Everything is an apocalyptic, existential battle with them. It can't just be dumbasses saying stupid shit. They're such drama queens.

In fact, why would any genuine Christian or evangelical vote for Donald Trump, when you think about it? For one, he's been married as many times as the rest of both tickets combined. He has bragged about his affairs and banging married women over the years, he's incredibly vain and vulgar, obsessed with money, a liar and a cheat, a bearer of false witness, a scam artist who preys on the wallets of simpletons, and fucks over small business and working people every time he declares bankruptcy and goes back to his Saddam Hussein penthouse.

Robertson likes to lecture everyone else about what a big Christian he is. His support of Drumpf indicates otherwise. Just the quick list provided above shows that Drumpf has routinely violated at least six of the Ten Commandments (he seems to have genuine affection for his parents, and we'll assume he hasn't killed anyone), and you could probably even throw in the first two relatively useless exhortations (no other gods before me; no graven images).

But everything else -- vulgar, adulterous, lecherous, avaricious, covetous, calumnious, unethical in business -- is basically Drumpf's general psychological and operational profile. Robertson cannot possibly not know this. So Robertson is either a liar, and the Jesus Christ pose is revealed as exactly that, or he's even stupider than he appears.

Not to mention the fact that Drumpf's cynical pretense of being religious or Christian is so transparent, so obvious, you'd have to be ricockulously stupid to actually believe it. I can see why they might not be able to vote for HFC (though I would almost certainly disagree with their rationales), but by their own rules, they should not be able to vote for Drumpf. In that case, they should consider Gary Johnson.

Whatever. Sounds like a plan, Phil. Maybe he should build an ark. As long as he keeps his promise and disappears. He's a despicable person, and this sinful world sure as hell won't miss his self-serving lies and bluster.

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