And The Oscar For "Most Convincing 'Tard" Goes To....

No doubt you've already seen this little beauty.

THE PRESIDENT: Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised.

Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.

Okay, better? I'll keep working on it. (Laughter.)

You know, is it too much to ask that the leader of the free world be able to think extemporaneously and speak in coherent sentences, especially when he's proposing a monumental restructuring of a pillar of the American social contract? Apparently it is. I defy you to figure out what the fuck he said there. Go ahead, give it your best shot.

Obviously he thinks he's illuminating the difference between wage-indexing and price-indexing, but you get the distinct impression that he really doesn't know the difference. He just learned by sheer repetition from Cheney's flash-card sessions that one does one thing, and the other does another. How and why are a whole 'nother flash-card session.

Think about it: if someone used this babbling nonsense sales pitch to try to get you to buy a car, or a house, or even a gallon of milk, would you run like hell or what?

Q What is the -- how much can we put in? What's the most we can put in to these private accounts?

THE PRESIDENT: How much do you make?

Q Well, I'm a student.

THE PRESIDENT: Guess. (Laughter.) Go ahead, guess how much you're going to make. First of all, let's just assume you make $50,000 your first year, over time, when this is phased in, so we can afford it, you'll be able to put $2,000 a year into your personal account from the -- from the payroll taxes. In other words, there will be a 4 percent cap on what you can put in. And if you make more money, you can put more money in.

So what you're saying is, 4% of , say, $75,000 is more than 4% of $50,000? Wow! Gee, thanks, Harvard! 'Cause we was all wonderin' and stuff.

But you can also -- by the way, to answer this man's question, you can set up a -- you can set up another savings account. You can set up your own IRA. And there's all kinds of options for the IRA to do that.

Exactly. So why, again, is it that we're talking about spending hundreds of billions -- probably trillions -- of dollars on this bullshit plan that he can't even explain coherently?

Q Hi, I'm a high school student. I'm just wondering is there anything I can [do] to prepare for this new Social Security reform when I grow up?

Sure. Learn to like dog food, and figure on working until the day you drop dead.

Oh, all right. I'll let him answer:

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, it is. That's a good question. You know, one of the issues is financial literacy, is to pay attention to what it means, how stocks and bonds work, compounding rate of interest. That's a very good question. A lot of people, when you say, the interest grows at a certain -- over time at a certain rate, people are not really sure what we're talking about. And I think -- I think the idea of becoming more literate in financial matters is a smart idea.

I also -- the fact that you're here and paying attention to the issue, this is a political issue. This is an issue that is going to require Congress moving on. And sometimes it requires the people expressing their desires to get Congress moving on the issue.

Please. People "desire" things like pork rinds that can scoop up more nacho cheese dip, and sport-utility tractors with electric seat-warmers. They're more likely to know who the last winner of American Idol was than know either one of the two US Senators representing their state.

The rate of personal bankruptcies keeps climbing every year. Does that sound like a financially literate society that has its desires and priorities in order?

At any rate, Bush thoroughly and completely dodges this kid's question. People ought to be financially literate regardless of Social Security's status. Even if it's flush through the year 2100, you still gotsta know where your chedda's at, yo. It's such a "no shit, Sherlock" answer. It befits Himself's track record of intellectual stasis.

And I want to thank you for coming and paying attention. I'm not so sure when I was your age I would have showed up and hear some old guy talking about -- (laughter) -- talking about an issue like that.

Well yeah, because that would have cut into the time normally spent branding Deke pledges on the ass with a red-hot coat hanger.

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Saw the movie Garden State the other night. Very funny, very nice small movie, which I always like. There is a very funny bit in the movie, alluded to several times throughout, regarding the acting career of character Andrew Largeman (played by writer/director/Scrubs guy Zach Braff):

Sam (Natalie Portman): Hey, I recognize you.

Andrew Largeman: Oh, did you go to Columbia High?

Sam: No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?

Andrew: Yeah.

Sam: Are you really retarded?

Andrew: No.

Sam: Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!

Guess who our nomimination for the "retarded Oscar" would be. I'm just sayin'.

(extra thanks to reader onna monopia from The Perfect World.)