Da Abu G

You know, Doug Feith has reigned supreme in the minds of most people as the long-running Dumbest Motherfucking Guy On The Face Of The Planet. But it may be time to crown a new king.

Doug Feith, meet Alberto Gonzales.

Everyone but the attorney general also seems to recognize that the time for half-formed, one-sentence justifications for the firings of eight U.S. attorneys is long past. If David Iglesias, former U.S. attorney of New Mexico, was really fired for any reason other than party politics, today was the day to disprove that. Gonzales didn't. In fact, he claims that the burden of proof is on the committee to prove he's done something wrong. Even Sen. Lindsay Graham, R-S.C., opines that some of his reasons sounded "made up." But he comes armed with no files, e-mails, lists, or charts to back up his claims that these firings were warranted.

I mean, Jeebus, when a drawling crash-test dummy like Huckleberry Graham knows you're full of shit, you're caught, son. And this is after Gonzales had a good two weeks to rehearse his story. Pathetic. I think the last time I saw this ham-fisted of an attempt to get one's shit straight was on a classic Simpsons episode:

Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practise a bit, hmm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."

Homer: Check.

Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Homer: [stares blankly]

Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.

Homer: I gotcha.

Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.

Homer: [stares blankly]

[A long time later]

Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.

Homer: No problem.

Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! [stomps on Homer's foot a few times]

Homer: [stares blankly]
[to other agent] I think he's talking to _you_.

Of course, there's no fuck-up too big to be totally out of La Cosa Fredo, especially when you're a dead-end loyalist. I'm sure Abu G will fall on his sword late tomorrow afternoon to beat the news cycle (which is caught up in psychoanalyzing Cho Seung Hui anyway), his name will go on the short list for that day when John Paul Stevens makes the mistake of eating Ann Coulter's creme brulée, and in the meantime, he'll be replaced at the DoJ by a head of lettuce on a broomstick, and no one will notice any difference. Hell, there may even be a Medal O' Freedomocracy™ in his stocking this Christmas.

Booyakasha!