Sunday, May 15, 2005

Instant Saints

Well, they barely waited until the body was cold.

New Pope Joey Eggs DCXLVI has announced his decision to fast track the beatification and canonization process for recently-departed Pope (and erstwhile fifth Beatle) John Paul II.

Yeah, I was shocked too. Never saw that one coming. What took you so long, Joey?

Canonizing Pope John Paul II will take time, the cardinal in charge of the Vatican's saint-making office cautioned Saturday even though Pope Benedict XVI has ordered the process speeded up.

On Friday, Benedict said he was announcing the "joyous" news that he had ordered the waiving of the mandatory five-year waiting period for the start of the process toward beatification, the last formal step before possible canonization.

Of course, he'll have to be the patron saint of something. The list of patron saints, and the things they are patron saints of, is long and rather tedious. John Paul II did his best to extend this list canonizing more than all his predecessors combined. Everyone should have a hobby, I suppose.

As we can see from the list, there is a strange amount of multi-tasking on the parts of some saints, while some occupations are peculiarly split. For example, Joan of Arc is the patron saint of funeral directors, while Sts. Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemus are the patron saints of undertakers. Truly we live in the age of specialization.

There's even a patron saint of television, to whom one can presumably entreaty to accelerate the demise of contrived "reality" shows. Yea, though I walk past the rerun of Fear Factor, thine DVDs of Chappelle's Show protect me from the dumbing-down effects of its horrific suckiness.

I dunno. I'd have at least a modicum of respect for the church if they spent half as much time excising the pedophiles and their scummy protectors as they do adjusting their dresses and playing to the throng. Any institution that would hand a sinecure to the likes of Bernard Law is corrupt and indulgent, and well past its shelf life.

1 comment:

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