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Monday, May 02, 2005

Sprechen Sie Überschmuck?

If Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't so focused on keeping his media image controlled so damn tightly, it's a good bet we'd hear a lot more about the messy political flailing he seems to be doing as of late. His big, action-packed plans for huge, blockbuster initiatives are fizzling one by one, not unlike a prospective sequel to Twins.

His empty rants about Gray Davis' fundwhoring ring false amidst evidence of his own obtuse hypocrisy -- indeed, Schwarzenegger makes Davis look like an amateur when it comes to fundraising and special-interest pandering.

The only thing keeping him from being a carcass already is that the Democrats' most viable opposition at this moment is Phil Angelides, the state treasurer, who hasn't a fraction of the name-recognition or star power, obviously. But Rob Reiner has been quiet all this time.

Perhaps a little too quiet. [stage pause, like in the war movie when the artillery shell comes whizzing in out of nowhere]

Reiner is probably waiting for late summer, when Schwarzenegger will have his dick-skinners full just trying to push a budget through the notoriously stubborn legislature. His big dumb initiative plan will be fading like one of his big dumb flicks, and he will begin losing his cool, cursing and grunting in German as he vents his frustration with the üntermenschen who dare to thwart his master plan. Essen mein Großenscheißen, schweinhunden!, he may be heard to utter under his breath as the Latino bloc from LA start fucking with him.

The problem is, he forgot to play nice, and thought that publicly humiliating the people he works with would be a motivational tool. Well, it is, but not in the way he meant. It's motivated them to mobilize their own bases, and drag their feet.

And it's too late to gefragen die zauber werten -- bitte, mit zucker. He knows it, which is why he's gone off on this weird tangent, supporting some goofball vigilante group. Apparently Arnold figures it's okay to support the California Minutemen because, unlike their Arizona brethren, they're unarmed.

Right. Pull the other one. If they're unarmed, then how are they confronting and stopping groups of desperate people, by waving their arms and shouting "booga booga"? By threatening to call the actual Border Patrol? Come on. These guys at least have to be carrying baseball bats or tasers, and the Arizona guys are quite open about their choice of firearms.

This is a no-win scenario for Arnold, because there's no metric for success here, so there's nothing to point to. But the potential for disaster and mayhem and bloodshed is quite high, and guess who'll take the fall when one of these yahoos accidentally shoots (or beats) hisself a Meskin?

It's just strange as hell that Schwarzenegger has chosen to pitch his tent on this issue, because while he could make a fiscal/infrastructural argument about tax dollars being spent on illegals, there's simply no upside for him in giving props to what are most likely survivalist goofballs and pissed-off crank cooks from the Imperial County desert areas. If he wanted to capture the 55-gallon-drums-of-rolled-oats-in-the-concrete-bunker vote, he's got it. That and three bucks gets him a cup of coffee -- or a gallon of gasoline.

But whatever. Should be an interesting summer here in the Golden State. The national media may start picking up on the death whiff if Our Hero doesn't snap out of it soon, though -- the Washington Monthly has decided to hang the Jesse Ventura albatross around his 40-inch neck already.

Can't get out of this one hanging out at Applebee's, Chief.

1 comment:

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