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Monday, December 17, 2007

Tits for Brains

The genius of Silicone Canyon gives a crash course in l-u-v:

The twosome entered into their union Oct. 6 at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas. It was the third marriage for both.

Anderson, 40, was previously wed to Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, while Salomon, 39, was married to Shannen Doherty (the union was later annulled) and to voice actress Elizabeth Daily.

In an interview with Ellen DeGeneres in September, Anderson revealed she was taking a gamble on a new man after falling for Salomon in an unconventional manner.

"I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love. It's so romantic. It's romance," she said at the time.

Shortly thereafter, she and Salomon obtained a marriage license in Las Vegas and went on to wed in a quickie ceremony conducted in between Anderson's nightly appearances as magician Hans Klok's assistant.

"Rick and I are truly grateful," Anderson wrote on her Website following the nuptials. She described Salomon—best known for his sex-tape endeavors with costar Paris Hilton—as a "friend for 15 years."


How could this magical union not succeed? As Jeff Ross told Anderson at her Comedy Central roast, after enumerating her most notorious paramours, "Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, Kid Rock....do you ever fuck anyone with talent?" One detects a pattern, to put it mildly. It's as if it never occurred to the poor girl that there might be men who can read books and bang her into next week, before Hollywood turned her into a parody of a blow-up doll.

Jesus, the story of their whirlwind courtship is like something out of a midnight Skinemax flick starring, say, Shannon Tweed and Andrew Stevens -- or better yet, Shannon Whirry and Michael Nouri. You get the idea. The only way it could have been more of a soft-porn cliché is if she and Salomon had not been "friends" already, though what Salomon actually does besides fuck famous women (not that there's anything wrong with that) escapes me.

Or maybe if Pam had been on the run from her troubled past, and Rick was the well-meaning goober caught up in a web of seamy intrigue and cheesy cold-shot sex. There could be a skeevy ex-boyfriend chasing her and her dark secret, an ill-tempered greaseball named "Ace" or "Chuy"....or "Kid". Seriously, a magician's assistant in Vegas who thinks that paying off a poker debt with sexual favors is romantic? Wasn't that the plot for Dangerous Prey?

So why again is it that the two women living down the road from me for twenty years can't get married?

5 comments:

cavjam said...

So why again is it that the two women living down the road from me for twenty years can't get married?

Cuz thus spake Yahwehthustra?

Oh, an cuz you obviously live on the road to perdition.

Now, why again did an unmarried 30 sumpin from Judea (v. uncommon - bad Jew, bad Jew), one who hung out with 12 or 13 other guys most of whom were apparently also unmarried, a preacher, incidentally, of highest tolerance, spawn scions with such spleenish affection for teh gay who've always been among us?

When the history of 'Merka is writ, the writer will surely echo Gibbons, "I have described the triumph of barbarism and religion."

Paul F. said...

What are you saying? Tommy Lee is a damn good drummer.

RonB said...

Among several other reasons, your reference to Shannon Whirry et al is the reason I love coming here.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. Seems the level of intelligence varies considerably among people.
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