Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Audubon Chickenhawk Sanctuary

[update: The editorial staff of Hammer Of The Blogs has decreed that the prospective name of the refuge shall be the Arbusto Chickenhawk Sanctuary. Please notify the appropriate personnel in your respective departments. Thank you.]

If we hypothesize that the Republican Party has metastasized into a cancer on the body politic, then New York Governor George Pataki would be one of the hemorrhoids -- excruciating and annoying, but largely orthogonal to the more severe condition at hand.

Still, Pataki has inadvertently reminded us of one thing as of late: chickenhawks breed too.

"With supreme guts and righteousness, President Bush went into Iraq," Gov. Pataki told the Republican National Convention last August. The place erupted with applause. It was all very stirring.

Almost one year later, Pataki's son Teddy is, with supreme guts and righteousness, seeking a three-year law school deferment from the Marines, which last week commissioned the recent Yale grad as a second lieutenant.

The governor, who himself received a medical deferment during the Vietnam War because of poor eyesight, has said he hopes his son is granted the deferment. Of course he does. No doubt all the parents of New York's nearly 100 war dead also wish their children could have gotten deferments. But they couldn't. They got killed instead.

In a country that truly revered principles and values like honor and commitment, two things would occur: Pataki would be ashamed of himself; and we would all be surprised that his son was trying to find a way to duck out. Obviously, neither of those things is likely to happen. Really, who among us doesn't just cynically assume that the rich and powerful have their asses royally covered when it comes to actually serving in the causes they bray about so?

Some have averred that perhaps Ted Pataki is anti-war, and thus does not deserve to die for the political sins of his father. I say that no one forced Ted Pataki to join the Marine ROTC, and he couldn't have possibly not known what he was getting into when he joined.

The problem is that George Pataki still seems to think he's viable for a 2008 presidential bid, so he's loath to publicly change his mind about this war he's shamelessly whored for, even when his son's life may be on the line.

Perhaps if Ted Pataki were to honor the commitment he made to the Marines, his father might gain a little empathy and insight into the objective reality of what all of his hortatory speechifying and presidential tea-bagging actually entails. Men with "guts" and "righteousness" do not seek law-school deferments, and Marines especially do not turn their backs on their brothers like this. This is bullshit, Junior -- you get your pampered ass in there and do what you fucking said you were going to do, or be branded a coward for life. Take your pick.

Or, you might eventually become President. Be sure to talk about Jesus as much as possible; make shit up if you have to.

Better yet, I have a modest proposal, as to what to do with these people who are oh-so-brave with everyone else's lives, but can't tuck their tails between their legs fast enough when it's their turn to contribute to their war, and the Dear Leader they love so much. And it's not just young Pataki here; he's probably a perfectly nice kid. It's really the arrogant, obnoxious little claques of college pricks I have in mind more generally, rather than Ted Pataki specifically.

Anyway, my proposal is this: we cordon off a certain section of forested land -- say, half of Yellowstone (heh indeedy) -- and send all these college punks and their families there, where they can perch in the trees with their chickenhawk brethren, and tell each other just how tough they are.

At the Audubon Arbusto Chickenhawk Sanctuary, the yellow-bellied chickenhawk may live peacefully amongst his own flock, as well as the five-deferment bald cheneybird, the awol bushbooby, the comb-licking wolfie, and the ivory-billed perle. Yes, as these dodos continue their self-inflicted road to extinction, we can help preserve a few specimens for future generations to enjoy.

Spread the word.


vetfordean said...

Good Plan! One glitch though. The Republican Congress in cahoots with the SUPREMES overturned the Endangered Speacies Act and thus, sadly, we will be unable to save even a few of the Arbusto ChickenHawk survivers. Their complete destruction was sealed when it was learned, too late, that John Bolton was really Yosemite Sam. He was recorded as saying, "Hold on there Varmits", before unloading a truckload of 2nd amendment hardware and using it. Too much coffee, sorry.

Anonymous said...

I was 14 when Nixon ended the draft and the Vietnam debacle. I could not help think something about this pres was kool inspite of Watergate monopolizing the media. I almost joined the armry as a teen and the marine ROTC as a Freshaman just to get away from my then environs. Both times I came to my senses before it was too late. I was the first in both families in several generations to not serve in the armed forces. For this I am proud. I have had several jobs where veterans were given preference and even deference which is fine. I am glad I paid my own way through my education. The end result is that I am a free thinking middle aged liberal with no benefits and little emmotional baggage. I once jokingly said that "I was not moral enough to serve my country". This didn't not digest well with my peacetime volunteer veteran would be peers. I was in fact much too honestly self serving and self preserving to cave to the temptation of voluteering and receiving shelter My young adulthood was unregimented but very difficult and my sense of survival was acutely developed.

Here I am in my late fourties having the time of my life not conforming to anything in a largely slovenly but conservative and non thinking world. I have discipline and goals but they were self derived not the product of inculcation. My point? Some need to be lead, some need to lead, I always blazed my own path (Where is my sanctuary as an endangered species).


Andrew said...

Do you think you are smart because you use big words? How about when you speak, and when you write something that is published to the entire world, you do so with actual knowledge. First off, Ted Pataki did not joint the Marines ROTC. In fact, yale didn't even have such a program while he attended. Secondly, he went to OCC, Officer Candidate Class, which is entirelt different than ROTC. In fact, after graduation Ted was under no, I REPEAT, no obligation to enlist. None whatsoever. Please get your facts straight when you post on a public site. Thirdly, in order to do the JAG program and still get the credit he deserved for completing OCC (which is an extremely difficult challenged), he enlisted. He wanted to be a JAG (and I see nothing wrong or chicken about that
And what makes you think Ted is anti-war? You are nothing but a wanna be Demagogue. Oh, sorry for not using big words.

Roberto Iza Valdes said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

"He couldn't of possibly not known" ??? First of all, learn how to write you idiot.

Secondly, you refer to Ted as a coward in your piece. Very insightful considering you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Half of your blog is 100% wrong and for anyone who knows anything about Ted's situation you come off as the biggest jerk/moron on the internet. As a public blogger you have a responsibility to at least try to get some of your facts correct. Here you failed to do so and portray an American hero (who is currently training with his platoon and not in JAG as you wrote) as a coward. Figure it out.

Iza Firewall said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heywood J. said...

Anonymous 8:05,

First of all, it's "couldn't have", not "couldn't of". Follow your own worthless advice before pawning it off to unsuspecting passersby, fuckface.

Secondly, point out where exactly I mention JAG, of all things. I said he was seeking a law-school deferment, which is factual.

If in fact you are real, you write like a spambot with preprogrammed phrases. If you're real, learn to read, then go fuck yourself, then feel free to come back to vent your tiny spleen -- at which point I will encourage you once again to get bent.

And if you're a spambot or a spambot programmer, fucking end yourself now, you're nothing but a siphon of valuable oxygen. Do the world a favor already and kindly step the fuck off.

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